Piece Me Together

Piece me together
One by one
Inside and out
Put the pieces back

Piece me together
Not with tape
Not with glue
Put the pieces back

Piece me together
Make it strong
Make it safe
Put the pieces back

Put me together
These puzzle pieces
They all fit perfectly
One by one put these pieces back

Come Alive

My face is hard
My eyes are stone
I am empty now
I am like a ruin through and through

Make me come alive
God, fill me up with light and life
Spread your goodness over me
Wash me in contentment

Gray turns to color
Hate becomes love
Hard becomes soft
Sadness becomes happiness

Make me come alive
Crush these stones that are covering me
Make me come alive
Fill my restless soul with peace

Thoughts on Racism

Someone close to me recently had a troubling experience with racism. He was at a conference and one of the speakers tried to tell (badly) a joke with racial undertones. Being African-American, he became quite passionate about this…it affected him very strongly. As he shared this story with me, I started thinking about racism and how it affects us all on a daily basis.

The truth is, we are all racists. That’s right…we are all racists and bigots in some form or fashion each day. Everyone experiences racism or bigotry…even in today’s world. We all just like to point the finger at other groups and pretend that it doesn’t actually exist anymore. The reality is quite different however.

As he was sharing his story with me, he described how the other attendees at this conference and the speakers are all “backwoods redneck hillbillies”. Isnt this a form of racism? The idea that one group of people is superior to another? I am from southern Alabama/Georgia and have many times been refered to as a “redneck” so this really hit home with me. It implies that I am inferior to others simply because of where I grew up. And I can tell you that yes, this is in fact a form of racism. The color of you skin doesn’t necessarily matter when it comes to racism.

Whether it is racial discrimination or bigotry, it happens more than we like to admit. Sometimes it is hatred and other times it is just ignorance. We fear what we do not understand. Some people do not like gays or lesbians, while others do not like other races or cultures. Even I am guilty as much as I hate to admit it. Each time we tell…or laugh at…a racial joke, that is racism. Each time we make fun of the stereotypes associated with certain cultures, that is racism.

I wish that we could get to a place where we can accept people the way they are. However, as long as we are human, with all of the natural human emotions that come along with it, racism and bigotry will never completely go away.

If only more people could just learn to foster a little more Love in their daily life, maybe that would help lessen the occurrence. It’s worth a shot, right?

Goodwill

Today, I did something that I have never done before: I gave money to a stranger on the street.

I have given people money before (like friends and family); I have given to charity before; and I have given to donation centers such as Goodwill before. However, I had never given money to a stranger on the street.

I made a routine trip to the gas station this evening and in the parking lot, I was approached my a man who asked for money. He said that he had lost his job and had four kids to take care of. I didnt have any cash on me and was so consumed by my own selfish needs (which seem minimal now) so I brushed him off and got in my car and drove away. Except I didnt drive home. I drove to the bank almost in tears and withdrew $20 and drove back to the gas station. I’m not sure why…something just called to me and I felt a strong calling that I needed to give this man money.

Now, the usual jaded thoughts plagued me during my journey to the bank and back: Is this a con man? What is he really going to use the money for? But at the end of the day it doesnt matter what he does with the money. What matters is Love and Goodwill. What does anyone gain from being jaded?

Makeover: 1 week down

Yesterday, I broke my diet.

I am noticing small changes in my body. Like the fact that I cannot eat as much as I could a week ago. It takes less food to make me full. I also noticed that the spicy, rich, and heavy flavors that I once loved I am unable to eat. Last night I had spicy cheese dip…which gave me heartburn almost immediatly…and cheese raviolli in an alfredo sauce…which was so heavy and rich I could only eat about 5 bites. I also noticed that before I even left the restuarant, I was feeling nauseous.

Other changes are evident too: I do not seem to have chronic back pain and my muscles are becoming tighter with working out (although I missed working out on Friday, but made up for it yesterday). I cannot see any changes on the outside yet, which is dissappointing. I dont know why I was thinking that I would eat healthy and work out for a few days and *poof*, I would wake up looking and feeling like one of those over-energized areobics insturctors. But alas, this has not happened yet.

I guess I just have to be patient and be content with the small changes that I am noticing each day.

Makeover – Day 5

I feel fatter.

Five days of healthy foods and working out and I feel fatter. I’m getting sick of salads too. I ate a salad at lunch today and I think it was a little sour. I couldn’t eat even half of it. And apple slices don’t go very far.

I’m just getting bummed out…maybe in my mind I would start this grand life transformation and *poof*…I would be able to see instant changes. I mean I knew that it wouldn’t be easy, but I really thought I had the strength to face this and stay positive. Obviously not. It is even more difficult not really having a support system. I don’t really have anyone that can keep me pumped up. My best friend has her own shit going on and I rarely ever see or hear from her anymore cause she is so busy. My other best friend is a guy with a girlfriend who doesn’t like me and he works 60 hours a week. Hell, none of my “friends” even know that I have started this. And I certainly can’t depend on my on again off again boyfriend.

I am completely alone in this.

Makeover – Day 4

Eating healthy really isn’t as hard as I once made it out to be. I think I just used that as an excuse. It is day 4 and I have still not had any fast food and my only indulgence has been my one cup of coffee a day and 4 Hershey kisses earlier today. I have realized that eating healthy is a choice…and a very conscious one at that. It is easier to say that a cheeseburger from the dollar menu at McDonald’s is cheaper; it is easier to say that you don’t have time to go to the grocery store, or cook your breakfast, or make your lunch; it is easier to say that you cannot afford to eat healthy. I know it is easier because I have said these things for many years. Well in the last 4 days, I have learned that things are only as hard as you make them. I have managed to cook breakfast every morning and work out the last two days and take my lunch to work and make my own dinner and find time to go to the grocery store. And yes, healthy food is more expensive than a cheeseburger from the dollar menu, but healthy food keeps you fuller longer and makes you feel better. So it is worth the extra cost.

I will admit that today was more difficult than yesterday. The eating healthy part wasnt difficult, but I was tired and ended up working late, so staying positive was more difficult. I like immediate results and I am ready to start seeing a difference. I have felt the positive effects on my body, but I am ready to start seeing them too.

One day at a time.

Extreme Life Makeover

My life transformation began 3 days ago. This is something that I have been wanting to get started on, but just couldn’t seem to follow through on. I’m not really sure what changed that made me all of a sudden decide to make changes. Maybe I just got tired of feeling the way I did. Whatever the reason…thank goodness it happened. I havent even fully outlined what I want to accomplish. Here are some ideas (in no particular order):

• Change my eating habits so that I am eating healthier foods.
• Become more active and stick to working out at least 6 days a week.
• Get my home and surroundings clean and maintain it.
• Quiet my mind and meditate on positivity. Purge negative thoughts, feelings…and people if necessary.
• Make overdue doctors appointments.
• Quit smoking (ouch…thats gonna be tough)
• Get back into school – no more excuses
• Quit current job and land a new one if necessary.

I had two blissful days off from work and I cleaned my house. I even rearranged furniture…my feng shui needed to be realigned. During those two days I made several vows: 1. No fast food – eat as healthy as possible; 2. No unnecessary talking – be silent and meditate; 3. Clean and realign my feng shui – clean house leads to clean body.

Today is day 3 and I have not had any fast food. I really expected this to be harder…but then again…this is just the beginning. I have limited my food portions and eaten salads and added fruits. I have cut out a lot of caffeine. I have been drinking more water and have been more active. It is amazing how much different I feel…and its only been 3 days. Before I began this journey, I was afraid that I would not see results fast enough and I would get discouraged. The exact opposite has happened. It has only been 3 days and my entire body feels lighter. I do not feel bloated and my digestion is better. The only negative thing that I have experienced so far was a bad headache this afternoon, which as a friend pointed out could be from dehydration or my body getting accustomed to this new lifestyle or a combination of both. Or it could be that my job sucks and I was ready to go home.

Anyways, I figure that having a journal of my journey will help me stay on track and keep me motivated. I weighed myself today and my scale said that I weigh 129 pounds…which doesn’t sound like much. I was really expecting that I would weigh more than 129 lbs (hopefully my scale isn’t broken). I took pics (which will not be uploaded to my blog, but will serve as motivation to get into shape). Please understand that I know I am not fat/obese/overweight/etc. However, I am not happy with the way I feel or with what I see in the mirror. My body has changed as my metabolism has slowed down in my late 20s and I am realizing that the older you get the harder you have to work to feel good. I want to get back my confidence. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again and not have a wave of depression sweep over me when I look in the mirror. I havent done my measurements yet…mainly because I can’t find my tape measure.   I haven’t set and “weight loss goals”. My goal is to change my entire lifestyle…not reach a certain weight.

I worked out today too, which I am incredibly proud of. It was a 25 minute workout video: Hi-Def Sculp – light weights and working on all areas of the body. I cursed like a sailor for the entire 25 minutes, but felt fantastic afterwards.

Now the difficult part lies ahead: doing this every day.

How did I get here? Does everyone, at some point in their life, look around and ask that question? Why do I feel like such a freak show?

August has not been a good month for me so far. I have managed to lose everything that I care about. My friends, my boyfriend, my peace of mind, my health and beauty, and my job isn’t far behind. Getting here didn’t happen overnight, so I understand that getting back wont be a fast process either. The question is: How do I get back? I cannot live another day like this, crying on my couch wishing that I would fade away into nothingness. I have been having suicidal thoughts lately, which is very out of character for me and also lets you know just how badly my life has spun out of control. But I have no desire to “kill myself”. I just want to cease to exist. Sometimes I pray that God would just erase me from this planet. Just wipe me out of the history books like I never existed at all. My logical mind knows that this is ridiculous and that having these thoughts does nothing productive, but during these bouts of intense depression, nothing is logical or rational. Something else takes control and I feel like I (the real me buried deep within my subconscious) am trapped behind bars, watching as a prisoner as this craziness in my mind spirals out of control and I can do nothing to stop it. My heart races and my mind races and I can’t sleep or eat and I burst into tears at all hours of the day and night and for no reason at all sometimes. I can’t concentrate at work and my job performance is failing. I work long hours with no overtime pay and am so stressed out when I get home that I am no good to my friends or loved ones and cannot actively participate in any of these relationships.

There is a voice buried deep within me screaming for help, but no one hears. Part of this is my fault. My friends and loved ones are not mind readers. If I do not ask, they cannot give. How selfish am I to expect them to just know what I need? But how can I ask? And who really cares? I mean everyone has their own problems they are dealing with. They do not want to listen to me whine all day and night and I absolutely hate crying in front of people. There have been very few times in my life where I have broken down and really cried in front of someone. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and scared and I am alone. I have always been very independent, so what happened all of a sudden that has made me such an absolute and horrible mess?

I just read Eat Pray Love and her story is really amazing. She went through many of the same emotions before going on her year-long journey to heal herself. It is very inspiring. However, not all of us are millionaires and can afford to pick up and leave and go traveling around the world for a year just because we are depressed. Hell, if I went around the world for a year and didn’t have to work and only had to sit around and eat pasta and do yoga in rice fields then I would probably feel a lot better too. I mean, who wouldn’t?? But what about those of us who do not have that luxury? How do we heal? I cannot run away for a year, although that does sound really appealing. I have bills and a job and a cat…and the cat doesn’t travel well. All I know is that I am slowly and painfully dying. From the inside out. I really do not want to die, but I cannot seem to break this cycle and it seems like every time I try to do something to begin the healing process, something else bad happens. Is this some sort of test from God?

Realizations

I am back home from my trip now, and I am not happy about it. This trip opened my eyes to a lot of things in my life. As soon as I got on the highway headed home, all of my anxiety started to creep back into my blood stream. It is truly a crippling emotion and I am tired of living in that mind frame. This trip allowed me to be stress and anxiety free for 24 hours and it was marvelous. I have not had that type of release in a very long time. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be at peace.

Realization No. 1: My job sucks. The job itself is great. I like what I do and I am good at it. But my place of work sucks. Mostly because of the people there, but also because I think that place is cursed. I have been there for almost 2 years and I keep thinking that things will get better. The truth is that it will never get better and it is destroying me. I feel like my mind and body are slowly dying. I am constantly stressed out and unhappy and the anxiety about going back to work is sickening.

Realization No. 2: I need to move. At this point it doesn’t even matter where I move. I just need to get the hell out of where I am. Living where I work sucks. I can never get away from work and frankly I am just sick of looking at this place and seeing the same faces all the time. I need to truly be able to “go home” when I am not at work.

Realization No. 3: I am unhealthy…in all areas of my life. I work too much; I do not eat right; I am not active; and I am stressed out. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I am not the confident, beautiful, young woman who I use to be. I know that person is still there…I just have to dig her out again.

Realization No. 4: I need positivity in my life. I need to surround myself with people and with things that add to my life and not take away from it. I need people to hold me up and not drag me down. I have always been a pretty positive person, but lately that has been lost. I desperately need to get it back.

Realization No. 5: Sometimes, love isn’t enough. You can love someone with all your heart and soul, and it still isn’t enough to make it work. That is a very depressing realization. You grow up under this illusion of a fairy tale. Grow up, fall in love, get married, have a family, and live happily ever after. But sometimes, people just aren’t meant for each other. Maybe they want different things or maybe they come from different backgrounds. I have always dreamed of that fairy tale, but I am starting to realize that it might not ever happen for me.

So, where to go from here?

Obviously, I need a new job. Finding one in this economy without a college degree is going to be difficult. I need to go back to school. This job screwed me out of being able to do that when planned, so I just have to try again. I need to move someplace different. I need to start working out and eating better. I need to quit smoking. I need to laugh more and relax more. I need to find hope where there is none.

I havent figured out how I am going to do all of the above, but everything will fall into place. I have to start with baby steps and I have to start my life over. This is going to be one of the most difficult things I will ever do and the realization that I have to do it alone is terrifying. No one to talk to and no one to hold me and tell me it will be okay. No one who understands what I am going through and no one to give me strength when I need it.

How on earth am I going to do this?